Week 9 in the SEC provides few decent games, but awesome rumors - KCTV5

Week 9 in the SEC provides few decent games, but awesome rumors

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Georgia defenders are depicted tackling a player from Kentucky, which wears uniforms similar to Florida's. Don't expect to see this level of domination against Florida. (Source: John Kelley)) Georgia defenders are depicted tackling a player from Kentucky, which wears uniforms similar to Florida's. Don't expect to see this level of domination against Florida. (Source: John Kelley))
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(RNN) - Florida plays Georgia in a game that is going to decide the East Division Championship, unless something unimaginable happens. Alabama plays a ranked team at last. Missouri has a real chance to win its first SEC game, but please, fans, don't tear down the goal post if you beat Kentucky.

And it's that time of year when the rumors are more entertaining most games.

All times Eastern

Kentucky at Missouri Noon, ESPNU

Well, Missouri, here's your chance. You're a 14-point favorite over Kentucky, which is probably overconfident after only losing to Wildly Overrated Georgia (WOG) 29-24 last week. Show us what you've got.

Actually, we won't be watching, but seriously, have a good day.

Tennessee at No. 13 South Carolina, Noon, ESPN

We're so loving the rumors that Derek Dooley is going to be fired and replaced by John Gruden. What would really be awesome would be a sort of a trial run, like, if they'd let Gruden do the postgame interviews the rest of the year after Tennessee loses.

He's funny, telegenic, smart and a great talker, hence the extension of his contract as a broadcaster at ESPN, which keeps releasing statements that he's not going to leave the booth to return to coaching in the NFL at San Diego, Miami or St. Louis or any of the other places he's been rumored to go. And if he's not going to do that, why would a guy who has never recruited a day in his life go to coach at a college, such as Tennessee? But logic is no fun when it comes to football rumors.

So take a moment and imagine Gruden doing postgame loser interviews if he weren't responsible for the losses, like he was during those dark, depressing years at Tampa Bay. He would be funnier than Dane Cook.

But then, everybody is funnier than Dane Cook. Why is that guy a famous comedian? Maybe he could be the next coach at Tennessee.

South Carolina has toppled from the exalted status it briefly enjoyed before losing a close one at LSU then getting its head, arms, legs, hands, feet and torso handed to it by Florida last week.

Bad game. Bad, BAD game. You get down off that couch, this minute!

Mississippi at Arkansas, 12:21 p.m., SEC Network

Ole Miss is 4-3 and Arkansas is 3-4 and both are feeling real spunky right now. Ole Miss slaughtered Auburn two weeks ago then took a bye week, and Arkansas, which has always had good players, beat… um… Auburn, of course, and, uh, Kentucky.

OK, neither team has any right to feel good about itself, this game's another stinker and I'd rather drink bleach than sit through it. One or both of these teams is probably going to a bowl game, which makes me want to move to a continent where nobody's ever seen a goal post.

No. 2 Florida vs. Wildly Overrated No. 10 Georgia (WOG) 3:30 p.m., CBS

A few years back, the SEC issued an edict that this game should no longer be referred to as "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" because that condoned having cocktails outdoors before, during and after college football games, a thing up with which the league would not put.

I'm all about respect and decorum, so I'll comply. Instead, I shall refer to this game as Gateway to Getting Crushed by Alabama in the SEC Championship Game.

Florida, it's all you, baby. Beat WOG and you're on the rails to the SEC East title, a November beatdown in the ATL, and the Sugar Bowl. Great restaurants in New Orleans, you'll love it there. Try the gumbo.

No. 20 Texas A&M at Auburn 7 p.m., ESPNU

Speaking of excellent rumors, have you heard the one about Bobby Petrino taking over at Auburn if and when poor Gene Chizik gets fired after the total catastrophe this season has become?

To wit: Texas A&M is a two-TD favorite. In Auburn. Any questions?

You will recall, Petrino lost his job at Arkansas last spring when he lied about wrecking his Harley-Davidson while zipping through the countryside with his much-younger, engaged blonde mistress with whom he was having an adulterous affair. She was also his employee.

Petrino is also the guy former Auburn bigwigs snuck off in a booster's jet to visit in Louisville back in 2003 because they wanted to hire him. But they got caught, extending for five more years the agonizing tenure of Tommy Tuberville, whom The Auburn Family disliked because he lost to Alabama, Vanderbilt and Arkansas (sound familiar?).

If Petrino gets the Auburn job, they should make him coach in a pimp hat.

UMASS at Vanderbilt 7 p.m., ESPN3

I know what you are thinking, but wait, this is really significant. Vandy is 3-4. A win here, and next week at Kentucky, and the Commies only need to beat Ole Miss, Tennessee or Wake Forest, and they're in a bowl for the SECOND STRAIGHT YEAR.

OK, you can go back to sleep now.

No. 11 Mississippi State at No. 1 Alabama 8:30 p.m., ESPN

Alabama has not played a ranked team since demolishing then No. 6 ranked Michigan in the season opener, and that's been the rallying cry for those resisting the impulse to award the national championship to the Crimson Tide right now and allow everyone else to play for second place.

However, this week, Alabama welcomes undefeated Mississippi State, ranked 13th by the Associated Press and No. 11 in the BCS, so there's that.

However, there's still wiggle room in case Alabama turns the upstart Bulldogs into a grease spot like everybody else this year.

Mississippi State has fattened up on SEC lesser lights and non-FBS schools with not-so-good records. They beat Auburn, Kentucky and Tennessee along with Jackson State, Troy, South Alabama and Middle Tennessee.

If Alabama loses, or barely wins, then, "We told you so" is always good.

Oh, yeah, and that rumor Nick Saban's going to the Cleveland Browns? Probably not.

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