(RNN) - The next time your roommate ticks you off by stealing your food from the fridge, just be thankful you don't live with Alexander Koplow.
The Los Angeles writer went above and beyond – way, way beyond – a normal apology when he swiped his buddy's few remaining sips of milk to pour on his cereal.
Koplow tried several ways to justify his actions in a two-page letter that he left for his roomie, Mark.
"I wanted to eat cereal. I didn't have any milk of my own," stated the letter, which has gone viral on Reddit and Imgur.
It would have sufficed for most people to stop there, and they probably would have done that in a one-line text message or a simple, "Hey, dude, I drank your milk" when the roommate returned home.
But, apparently simple words weren't enough. The rationale of a milk thief had to be explained, lest there remain deep resentment and regret from things left unsaid.
"You were gone, I missed you," Koplow wrote. "Perhaps drinking your milk was some subconscious, deep-rooted attempt at connecting with you. So asking why I took your milk is probably as unanswerable as asking why the heart does anything."
Umm, sure, Alex.
It's hard to imagine which part of this story is weirder – the fact that Koplow went through such great lengths to explain his heist or that he got so emotional over the dairy drink despite being lactose intolerant.
The old saying remains true: The things we want the most are the ones we can't have.
Koplow further justified his actions by saying he was owed the milk for refusing a third beer Mark offered him two nights before.
Aside from being quite overdramatic, Koplow gets points taken off for presumptuously tooting his horn as a "great writer."
There are three sentences in the letter that should have ended with question marks instead of periods.
Hey, if he can go overboard, we can, too.
At least he limits his pilfering to groceries.
"Now, I could have gone through your room looking for some cash to take from you or perhaps goods to trade, but I thought you wouldn't like that," the letter went on to say.
Wow, what a considerate guy.
In exchange for the missing milk, and perhaps to appease his grief-stricken conscience, Koplow offers his victimized buddy exactly one glass of his vitamin D-enriched orange juice (which he drinks to make up for his usual lack of dairy intake, of course) and a few of the beers he had recently purchased.
The letter closes with Alex praising all Mark's finer qualities and a doubtless assurance that all will be forgiven.
Is it safe to ask what happens when this guy is late with his share of the rent?
Copyright 2012 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.
Alexander Koplow really cares about his roommate's feelings, so much that he wrote a two-page rant explaining why he took the last of his milk. (Source: WikimediaCommons/Unisouth)
